Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged. Colossians 3:18-21 ESV
As we look at this passage in context, we see that it’s part of Paul’s overarching theme through Colossians 3, which is how Christians must behave. Immediately moving from a summarized instruction to “do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus,” Paul now deals with personal relationships in the Christian household.
Paul wrote the same directive to the Ephesians, and in that letter we see more into the reasons for his statement. In Eph. 5:22-24 he said, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.” It is no surprise that this passage is found inside another lengthy discourse on right living.
As the text tells us, the submission Paul instructs wives to have to their husbands should be viewed as the means to provide purposeful order and structure in the family. Just as Christ submits to His Father, and husbands submit to Christ, wives should submit to their husbands. We see this plainly stated in 1 Corinthians 11:3: “But I want you to understand that the head of every man is Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.” I believe this is why Paul said in verse 18, “as is fitting in the Lord,” because it models the relationship of the Father and Son and that of Christ to the church.
And for husbands, Paul says that you are to “love your wives, and do not be harsh with them.” Again comparing to Ephesians 5, we see this is more a summary of the instructions he wrote there, but I think it’s valuable to look at that full passage so we can see the magnitude of responsibility given to a Christian husband:
Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband. (Eph. 5:25-33).
I find it insightful how Paul laid out these instructions, and how even though modern society may balk at such a thing as a wife submitting to her husband, we can see that this is truly a beautiful passage. Wives are to submit to their husbands because the husband is charged with nurturing, caring for, and in essence presenting her as holy to the Lord. This is only possible in a faithful, loving relationship, which is why Paul said that husbands must “love your wives, and do not be harsh with them,” demonstrating how Christ loves us.
Conversely, if a wife is unwilling to submit to the authority of her loving husband, how then can she submit to the will of God or honor Him in her marriage? How will her husband be able to nurture her into a deeper relationship with the Lord, as he is commanded to do? You can see this is very much a two-way street, where both the husband and wife have responsibilities to each other and to God.
It’s worth noting that Paul is speaking to Christian couples in a committed, loving marriage. There is no implied requirement for a wife to submit to a husband who cheats or harms her physically or emotionally. For a man to force subservience or rule over his wife in an abusive, toxic way is a grave sin, and one that he will answer for (ref: Mal. 2:13-16, 1 Tim. 5:8, 1 Pet. 3:7, Heb. 13:4).
We now see Paul’s instruction to children to obey their parents, which we find amplified in Ephesians 6:1-3. Well, if there was ever evidence that we are born into sin, here it is! Children can’t seem to help disobeying their parents. From the moment they can speak they begin to exercise their own will and that is usually in opposition to their parents’ will.
However, it’s good for parents to teach and remind children of this passage because their submission and obedience is not only good for them, but it also pleases the Lord. As this is really the goal of daily living, instilling this truth in kids at a young age will reap fruit throughout their lives and train them to be good husbands and wives that honor God in their own families (ref: Prov. 1:8, Prov. 22:6).
Finally, Paul gives the command: “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” This seems pretty straightforward on the surface, but I know far too many people who had terrible fathers, and those men’s actions wreaked havoc for generations because they were abusive and unloving.
Fatherly discipline is critically important in a child’s life, and men were given a unique charge to be firm (and a little scary), but still trustworthy, kind and loving (ref: Prov 13:24, Prov. 29:15, Eph. 6:4). I was blessed with a dad who was rarely harsh with me, and even in discipline I knew he still loved me. And with that example, I strive to be the same type of dad, especially when implementing discipline or punishment because I always want the kids to know I love them even though they failed – which is exactly the response we get from our heavenly Father.
I hope you can see that the instructions Paul wrote to the church are far from outdated or misogynistic – they are quite the opposite! Paul’s concern for the family comes through boldly in his epistles and yet remains very relevant for us today. Each of us has a distinct role in our family and within the body of Christ. When we follow God’s design for family structure in our home, our families are healthier, happier, more deeply rooted in Christ, and we please and honor our heavenly Father.